


Taking Back What's Mine

by StormyBear30



Series: The Another Hotel Room Series [2]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-17
Updated: 2011-03-17
Packaged: 2017-10-17 01:28:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sequel to “Another hotel room”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taking Back What's Mine

It had been nearly a year since I had left the band, nearly of year since I had seen or even spoken to any of its members, nearly a year before I pulled myself together and forced myself to get over the man that I was completely in love with. Falling in love with Shannon had been the biggest mistake in my life, taking me down into the depths of hell and even further, where I didn’t know who I was or what I was about anymore. After that last night in my apartment I knew that I had to take a hold of my life once again and change it, make it my own and that is what I did. I’m not going to say that it was easy getting over Shannon, far from the truth and most days I felt as if I were going to completely lose it and run screaming for him to take me back, but I held my resolve and eventually it got a lot easier.

I decided that I needed to be around people that loved me, people who knew the former me before I lost who I was and so I went back home. For about five months I lived at home with my parents, sleeping in my old room, regrouping with the family that I had fallen away from and it was heavenly. My mother doted on me in a way that I needed so severely. Neither knew why I was back home, only that it was something serious and something that I would speak to them about in my own time. I planned to keep it to myself for as long as I could and then the hearing of one single song on the radio cracked me right down the middle. I ended up in my mother’s arms, my father looking on, “A Beautiful Lie” playing in the background as I poured out my heart and soul to them. My father was angry at first to learn that his son was potentially gay and in love with another man, but as I continued to break down before him, he moved past it and was the father, the support, the rock that I needed him to be.

Five months into my self made seclusion, I was kicked out of the nest so to speak, my father telling me that it was time to move on with my life and so I did. I found a new apartment, landed a couple of gigs with a few other bands from time to time and was somewhat content with my life. I began to date again, but nothing serious and only stupid fly by night floozies who only wanted a one night stand from a former guitarist of a quite popular band. I wasn’t happy by any means and there were times that I still missed Shannon so badly that I wanted to cry, but I figured I was about as content as I could be and so I continued on. Six months later Jared showed up at my door and turned my world upside down once again.

They were beginning a European tour and despite his best efforts to find my replacement, he said he hadn’t been successful. I declined his offer right away, despite the fact that I was pretty much down to my last dime and clueless as to how I was going to make my next months rent, but he was persistent. He practically offered anything that I wanted, including a nice re-signing bonus if I agreed to stay on for the length of that tour. It was only going to be for a few months, but the idea of spending any length of time near Shannon was enough to make me not so politely decline his offer again before I tried to escort him out the door. He was just as determined to get me to join as I was to decline and yet I found myself saying yes two weeks later after constant phone calls and visits to my home. He promised to keep Shannon as far away as possible from me and as much as I wanted to believe him, it wasn’t Jared trying to keep him away from me that I was worried about; it was if I was strong enough to stay away from him myself.

We started rehearsing right away and as nervous as I was to be part of the band that at one time meant the world to me; Shannon seemed to be even worse. His face fell the moment that I walked into he and Jared’s tiny rehearsal studio and he didn’t look me in the face once the entire time I was there. It felt strange playing with them again, but after only a few minutes I fell into my old routine and it was as if I had never left. I could feel Shannon’s eyes upon my back, but I ignored him, focusing instead on my playing and the fact that I was feeling extremely confidant that I was basically over my lusted love for him. We practiced for nearly two weeks straight almost night and day as we prepared for our tour and in those two weeks I had managed to not only stay away from Shannon, but I had yet to utter a single word to him either. Instead I spent most of my time with Tim or alone, while Jared and Shannon hung out together.

The first show was in Germany and I had to admit as we boarded the plane that I was excited about the prospect of visiting several of the foreign countries we were slated to play in. Mid flight Jared came and sat down next to me and by the look on his face I knew I wasn’t going to like what he had to say. “I know I promised to keep Shannon as far away from you as possible…but there’s been a change since we spoke and…you and he are sharing a room” He spoke quickly and under his breath, but I heard every fucking word.

“No way…you promised” I roared, jumping out of my seat as I towered over him. “You promised Jared” I repeated, so full of anger that I felt as if my head was about to explode. “Forget it…there is no fucking way that I am sharing a room with your fucking brother” My voice rose even more, shooting Shannon the nastiest look I could muster as he looked up from where he was sitting with a look of shocked hurt upon his face before he looked down at his lap.

“Sit the fuck down” Jared growled as he grabbed my arm and jerked me back into my seat. “Look…the label could only get two rooms since they are booked up and well…Tim and I have been sorta seeing each other and…”

“You’re dating Tim?” I blurted out, receiving a dirty look from Jared, an embarrassed look from Tim and another look of hurt from Shannon. “Do I even have to tell you how dangerous that can be?” I questioned as I ignored the looks I was receiving from them all, focusing on Jared instead. “You know what happened between Shannon and me”

“Tim is not Shannon and I sure as hell am not you” He bit out under his breath…those words slashing through my heart as I shared with him my own look of shock and hurt. “Sorry Tomo…I didn’t mean that” He apologized, but I wanted nothing to do with it or him as I left my seat and went to hide in the rest room.

“This is not happening” I spoke to my reflection, splashing cold water on my face because I felt as if I was going to pass out at any moment at the cold stone fear of sharing a room with Shannon.

I was exhausted and ready to lose my mind as we trudged into the hotel nearly ten hours after my little outburst with Jared on the plane. No one was speaking to anyone and Shannon was making it very clear that he was staying out of my way as he lingered behind us. “You know he’s not the same person he used to be since you’ve left the band” I heard Tim speak softly to me while we waited for Jared and Shannon to check us in.

“I don’t care” I replied, trying to look bored with our conversation, but my heart beating wildly within my chest because despite the fact that I kept fighting it, Shannon did seem different to me and it seemed to cause me some concern when I knew that it shouldn’t.

“I’m just letting you know man that when you left it’s like be became a totally different person” I went to say something mean and sarcastic, but Jared and Shannon took that moment to walk up to us.

“I tried getting another room but they didn’t have anything” Shannon said softly, handing me one of the key cards in his hand.

“Whatever…” Was my retort as I grabbed the card and started for the elevators.

“I know that you don’t believe me, but I had nothing to do with this” I heard Shannon speak behind me as we entered our room, I taking the bed closest to the window as I prepared to unpack. “Fuck Tomo…will you just look at me for a second” His voice was full of anger, but it disappeared quickly as I threw my bag across the bed, jerking my head up as I glared at him with hateful eyes.

“What Shannon?” I cried out, just standing in front of him waiting for him to speak. “What do you have to say that you think that I want to hear? WHAT?” I got even louder. “Are you going to tell me that you’re sorry for what you did to me? Are you going to ask for my forgiveness…because no matter how much of a changed man Tim thinks you are…I don’t believe him for a second” He didn’t say a word, only looked at me as if he was about to cry and then he just stormed off. I felt bad for a bout half a second before the haunts of the past consumed me and then I got angry all over again. We stayed in that hotel room for two nights before we moved on and each time I ended up sharing a room with Shannon. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first, but it got easier as the nights progressed.

The nightmares started shortly after that. They started out as simple whimpering and incoherent mumblings in his sleep, but soon they turned into heart stopping night frights where I would about have a heart attack from the sounds and cries coming from across the room. At the beginning they didn’t last long and Shannon never seemed to remember them the next morning, but then again we weren’t speaking so I really didn’t know if he did or not. I tried to stop myself from worrying about Shannon, but as much anger as I held within me, a part of me was concerned, but still not enough to try and talk to him about it.

A few weeks into the tour I started noticing one of the roadies checking me out on a near nightly basis. He was young, he was hot and there was no doubt that he was interested. I should have probably just let it go with all the shit that was going on in my life, but I found myself talking to him, flirting with him and against my better judgment asking him out on a date. He accepted without reservation and we went out on a first date that very night after our gig. The night turned out to be a lot of fun as we hit a couple of hot spots in the country we were visiting, drinking a bit more then we should before traipsing back to my hotel room, totally drunk and extremely horny. It felt amazing to have another man in my bed as he made out and explored each other’s bodies. I hadn’t been with another man since Shannon had hurt me that final time in my home and as Charlie prepared to fuck me I found that I was more then ready for it.

“What the fuck?” I heard Shannon angry voice across the room as Charlie sucked me off, crying out in frustration and anger when Charlie jumped off of the bed and went in search of his clothing at the bitching and yelling we heard after that. I tried everything to get him to ignore Shannon as he continued to stand in front of his bed with an angered look upon his face, but he wasn’t having any of it as he kissed me quickly and raced out of the door.

“You’ve got some fucking nerve Shannon” I screamed in his face, my hands ready to reach around his neck and choke the very breath from him.

“I have some fucking nerve” He repeated, stepping closer to me, poking me in the chest as I was forced to take a step back. “You’re not the only one sleeping in this fucking room. Have some fucking respect for me”

I saw red in the very moment as I reached back and punched the living daylights out of him. He flew against the desk behind him, knocking everything off of it before he hit the ground. “Have some fucking respect for you” I repeated back at him; spit flying from my mouth as I leaned over him. “You mean like you had for me? You have a lot of fucking nerve Shannon” I continued to scream about to give him a full piece of my mind and another greeting with my hand, but Tim and Jared took that exact moment to walk into the room.

“Shannon…” I heard Jared cry out as he rushed towards his brother’s side, pushing me out of the way.

“Tomo…what the fuck man?” Tim asked, standing before me, his eyes darting between Shannon and myself.

“You fucking asshole” Jared went to lunge for me, but Shannon grabbed onto his arm and pulled him back down beside him before he had the chance.

“It’s ok…I fell” He lied, picking himself off of the floor as he locked eyes with me for a moment before turning to Tim and Jared. “I tripped over my shoes and fell…hit the corner of the desk with my face. Gonna have a nice bruise tomorrow. The fans will love it though. There will be lots of stories as to how this came about” He laughed, but it only sounded fake and unreal as he looked at me one more time with eyes so full of sadness that once again it caused my heart to squeeze.

“Shannon…” Jared spoke softly, staring at him, his face full of concern.

“It’s ok Jared. I’m ok” He replied, picking up a pair of shoes that just happened to be lying on the floor from where he had tossed them aside earlier. “Come on lets go…I’m starving” No other words were spoken as we all trudged out of the room, but the looks of upset that Jared and Tim shared with me said enough. Dinner was nerve racking as we each continued to sit in silence, Jared and Tim sharing a word or two here or there before it covered us once again. I was so uncomfortable that half way through I excused myself and went for a much needed walk. When I got back to the room, Shannon was already in bed, but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. I wanted to ask him so badly why he didn’t just feed me to the shark known as Jared, but that meant that I would have to talk to him and that was something that I just wasn’t ready to do.

Somewhere within the early morning the nightmares started again and that time they were worse then I had witness before. Shannon was crying out in fear and thrashing around so much that I knew he was going to hit the floor before long. I threw a pillow at him, hoping that it would wake him enough for the nightmare to end, but it didn’t work. I tried calling out his name, that didn’t work either. Finally having no other recourse and for fear that someone would call hotel security on us, I got up and walked over towards his bed. He looked absolutely frightened as he continued to thrash back and forth, his face heavy with sweat. “Shannon…” I said his name, afraid to touch him. “Shannon…” I said a little louder, reaching out and grabbing one of his hands. “Shannon…wake up” I spoke even louder as I grabbed onto his other hand, falling across him when he jerked his entire body upwards. He just sat there for a moment, his eyes large and full of fear as they jerked back and forth across the room while I straightened myself up. “Shannon…” I whispered his name, those fearful eyes locking on mine before he lunged against my chest. I didn’t want to hold him, but it seemed he wasn’t going to leave and so I found myself locking my arms around his quivering shoulders, just holding him as tight as I could, our bodies rocking back and forth to an unheard rhythm. He fell asleep almost immediately and I laid him down, rushing to my own bed when I was sure that he hadn’t wakened. I didn’t know what those nightmares were, but as I recalled the look of pure horror in his eyes, I knew that I had to find out.

When I woke up the next morning Shannon was gone and for the rest of the day he made it a point to ignore me and pretend that I didn’t exist. I had tried to talk to Jared several times about it throughout the day, but he just blew me off time after time. I wanted to talk to Shannon so badly, but I knew better to try and push him into something that he didn’t want to do and so I distracted myself with a lovely make out session with Charlie before the gig. Later that night Charlie and I found a nearby hotel, signing for a room where we proceeded to fuck our brains out over and over again. I got back to the room quit late and as expected Shannon was already asleep. I took a shower, slid into bed and was nearly out before as expected the nightmares started again. It was the same as before with Shannon screaming and thrashing all over the place. I held him once again until he fell asleep, determined to find out the truth the next morning no matter what I had to do.

As excepted when I woke up Shannon was gone. I hounded him practically all day until he was ready to beat the shit out of me, only to back off at Tim’s insistence. However, later that night after the gig I started up again, refusing to let it go until I had an answer. Shannon had nothing but nasty things to say to me, threatening to kick my ass before storming off and leaving me alone with Jared glaring hatefully at me. “Just leave him the fuck alone Tomo” He warned me, his eyes full of anger and something else that I couldn’t quite understand. I watched as Tim took his hand and led him out of the room, leaving me alone and more confused then ever.

Shannon made it into our room later that night and he was drunk to the gills as he stumbled in, landing on the floor before he could even make it to his bed. I wanted to let him suffer and struggle, but I couldn’t as the harder that he tried to get up, the more he continued to roll on the floor. He tried to push me away the minute that I placed my hands upon him, but he didn’t struggle for long as I jerked him off of the floor, undressed him and placed him in his bed. I was about to make my way back to my own bed, but a hand upon my arm stopped me. Turning I found myself glued to a pair of hazel eyes so full of pain and misery that I couldn’t help but crawl into bed with him and hold him close. We laid there for a long time before he spoke and once he had, I wished desperately that he hadn’t as together we cried before exhaustion wore us out. I woke up the next morning to an empty bed and Shannon no where to be seen, instead I found Jared sitting on my bed just gazing at me with such sad eyes. “He told you?” He asked and all I could do was continue to look at him because I didn’t want to believe that anything Shannon had told me that night was true.

“It’s true?” I asked, swallowing hard because everything pertaining to Shannon and our fucked up relationship from before was starting to make sense.

“Sadly…yes it’s all true” Jared got teary eyed as he looked up at the ceiling in order to compose himself before speaking. “It’s a huge part of the reason that he treated you the way that he did…before”

“How could someone do that to a family member…much less a child?” I asked, speaking more to myself then Jared.

“I don’t know” He spoke loudly, so much anger behind his words that it brought tears to my eyes. “I just wish that mother fucker was still alive so I could fucking kill him with my bare hands”

“You didn’t know?” I asked, shocked that Jared had no idea of what had happened to the brother that he was so close to, amazed at the amount of love and length that Shannon would go to protect his younger brother.

“I just found out a few months ago. This went on for years as we were growing up and he only told me a few months ago. What kind of brother does that make me that I didn’t know?” He asked as I flew to his side, holding him just as tightly as I held Shannon earlier that night.

“He was trying to protect you Jared” I told him because it was such a Shannon thing to do.

“I know…but he suffered for so long and all alone” He sobbed against my neck, pushing me away quickly as he stood up and stared at me. “I know that it doesn’t make up for the way that he hurt you…but it explains it right?” I didn’t know how he wanted me to respond to that, so I just nodded my head before getting up and walking into the bathroom. My head was pounding so badly as I sat on the toilet and recalled everything that Shannon had told me.

It all had started when Shannon was just a little boy around the age of ten. A favorite Uncle had moved in with him and his family in order to help out with the bills. He told me that he had been ecstatic to have an older man once again in the family after his father had left, but that weeks later he regretted those happy feelings. The Uncle turned out to be an evil and hateful man that had a thing for children, particularly young boys. Almost immediately he set his sights on Jared because of his beauty and innocence, Shannon detouring him anyway that he could. He made a deal with his Uncle, telling him that he could do whatever he wanted to him as long as he left Jared alone. He told his Uncle that he knew Jared was destined for great things and that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to make sure that nothing got in his way. His Uncle started abusing him nightly after that, forcing him to do things that a young child should never have known existed. The abuse went on for almost seven years before Shannon grew too old for the pervert, his sights once again set upon the pretty younger son of his Sister. Shannon never gave the man a chance to even get near his brother as he packed up as much of their belongings as he could, forcing Jared to leave with him late one night. Jared never knew the true reason for their quick departure because Shannon refused to ever tell him. Instead he told him that it was time to work on his dreams and that nothing else mattered other then that. Jared believed him because he was Shannon and he always believed everything what Shannon said.

My head hurt even more as I walked back into the bedroom, finding Jared gone and my mind more confused and conflicted then before. As expected that gig for that night was cancelled, the promoters claiming that Jared was sick and couldn’t perform, but the real reason was because Shannon had disappeared and no one, not even Jared had heard a word from him since earlier that same morning.

Tim and Jared joined me in my room, none of us speaking much, the sound of the TV the only other sound. I watched as Jared paced back and forth, nibbling at his already short fingernails as we waited for some word from Shannon. I couldn’t help but feel a stab of jealously as hours later he and Tim stood outside on the balcony needing some alone time just holding each other tightly. I watched as Tim whispered something within Jared’s ear, Jared nodding in reply before they shared a kiss. I didn’t even hear Shannon come in at first as I continued to watch them, but a clearing of a throat caught my attention as I turned my head and found him standing there. “Are you ok?” I asked, jumping off of the bed before crushing him within my arms before I even knew what I was doing. “Sorry…” I mumbled stepping back as Jared and Tim entered the room, Jared taking my place and he grabbed onto him and refused to let him go.

“I’m ok” He said, looking to Tim for help as the bassist took Jared’s arm and pulled him reluctantly away from his older brother. “I just needed to take a walk and think about some things”

“Shannon…you’ve been gone for almost ten hours” Jared spoke, sitting on Tim’s lap, but you could see that he was dying to go to his brother once again.

“Ok…I needed to take a long one” He smiled, but it was so small and so sad that it nearly broke my heart. “I just needed to be alone. I just walked for hours and then I stopped at this tiny café and drank several cups of coffee while thinking”

“Are you ok?” Jared asked the question I had been waiting for an answer for.

“I will be” He smiled again, that time it was real and for the first time since I learned everything I held a glimmer of hope it might even be true. “I’ve been holding that in for so long and as much as it hurt to speak those horrible things…it also helped. I’ve been a mean a horrible person most times and to certain people in particular and although what happened to me is part of the reason…I still shouldn’t have taken it out on you” He was looking at me when he said those words and I couldn’t help but smile because despite all the pain and the heartache that Shannon had caused me, I now had a reason as to why he treated me like that and in some strange and fucked up way that helped me.

As expected Jared cancelled the rest of the tour. Shannon begged him not to because he knew that the record people were going to come down hard on him, but for Jared there was nothing more important then family, even if it meant almost getting dropped from the record label with treats of being sued until he was broke and living on skid row. The night before we were scheduled to fly back home, Shannon and I talked. We talked about everything that had happened in his past as well as how it affected his ability to have any sort of a normal relationship with anyone. He apologized repeatedly for the way that he hurt me, alerting me to the fact that his feelings for me were genuine and real, but that he knew that there could never be anything between us. I wanted to tell him so badly that there might be a small chance, but I kept my mouth shut, because no matter how much I still cared for Shannon, I was petrified about what could happen if I allowed us to even think about taking a step in that direction. I also knew that Shannon needed some help before he could ever be in a real relationship and that would take time. I vowed him my friendship and was determined to make that work by being there for him whenever he needed me. When we finally fell asleep that night, there were no nightmares to be had.

After that life became somewhat normal. Shannon started seeing a shrink, who helped him work through his entire nightmare of a past and with every passing day our friendship grew closer and closer. It was as if he were a different man and that man was someone that I looked upon with respect and full friendship. We hung out constantly, Shannon practically living at my apartment most times, but we never crossed the line of friendship, not even once. I had been dating Charlie and despite the fact that I cared for the guy and really enjoyed spending time with him, I knew that he wasn’t the one. As much as I tried to deny them, I still held strong feelings for Shannon, but I was determined that I wasn’t going to destroy what we had built up with my petty feelings of love. Six months into his treatment, Shannon announced that he was going on his very first date and I found myself completely taken back. I wasn’t sure how to take those words as he stood in front of me grinning like a mad man. I quickly found out that it was a man that Shannon had met while browsing at a book store and they had struck up a conversation. They decided to sit down for coffee and before they knew it hours had flown by. Shannon was almost giddy as he bounced from one foot to the next, waiting for me to say something. The problem was that I didn’t know what to say.

“Well say something” He said, still bouncing up and down like a small child. “This is a good thing right?” He asked and as much as I wanted to tell him no, I found myself saying just the opposite for his sake.

“Yeah…it’s a great thing” I lied because I no more wanted Shannon to go on a date with this complete stranger, then I wanted to have my teeth pulled out one by one with no anesthesia.

“I really like this guy Tomo” He went on, finally sitting down when I walked over towards the couch and fell onto it. “I mean he’s nice and sweet and so fucking handsome. I can see going somewhere with this guy” He gushed on and as much as I wanted to rain on his parade, once again I stayed silent.

“That’s great Shan…but you haven’t even been on your date yet. Maybe you shouldn’t rush into anything”

“We’ve been meeting for coffee everyday for nearly two weeks” He grinned. “It took me that long to get the nerve to ask him out” The grin turned into a full fledged smile. “He told me that he was relived because he was having a hard time finding the nerve to ask me as well”

“Sweet” I almost gagged, getting up off of the couch and walking into the kitchen in order to hide the feeling of upset that I knew was going to show on my face.

“You ok Tomo?” I heard him ask behind me as I dove into the fridge and pretended to be looking for something.

“Yep…just hungry” I lied again, grabbing a hunk of cheese from off of the shelf, taking a deep breath before turning to face him once again. “You want some” I offered him some, taking a huge bite out of it as I tried to urge my stomach to hold it down.

“Nah…I better go and get ready for tonight” He smiled, hugging me quickly before bounding for the door. “See ya” He called over his shoulder with a wave before he was gone.

I pouted alone for nearly an hour before Charlie came over to spend the night and as the evening progressed so did my attitude. Charlie did everything in his power to make me smile, but what he didn’t know was that there was nothing on the entire planet that he could have done because I couldn’t stop thinking of Shannon and his fucking date. I wondered where they had gone, what they were doing. I wondered if they were going to spend the night together and it was something that ate at my stomach causing it to burn with rage. He finally gave up, telling me that he was going home because it was very clear that I didn’t want him there. He didn’t know how close to the truth he was, but at the same time I didn’t want to be alone and I knew I wasn’t being fair to him. I apologized for being an ass, kissed him hungrily before I led him to my bed. We fucked good and hard that night and all I could think about as he took me was how much I wished that it was Shannon. He declared his love to me afterwards as we lie together, I returning the gesture before I even knew if the words were true or not.

I had hoped that the relationship between Shannon and his friend was going to be short, but six months later they were still going strong and I was miserable for it. I had to admit that I had never seen Shannon so happy and it was a look that fit him well. Charlie and I were still dating but it was off between the two of us more then it was on. We would fight, not speak to each other for days and then he would come back to me apologizing for everything despite the fact that it wasn’t ever his fault. I knew that I wasn’t being fair to him, knew that I should have ended us long before it did, but with Shannon being so happy and in love I just couldn’t. However, everything came to an end late one night as Charlie and I were fucking and I called out Shannon’s name instead on his in the heat of the moment. Words of anger and upset were shared as he searched for his clothing, demanding that I finally admit what he had known all along, that I was head over heels in love with Shannon. I denied it at first, but as I looked deep into his dark eyes and saw how much hurt and pain was there because of me, I finally relented and admitted out loud what we both already knew.

“I’m sorry” I cried out as Charlie turned and stormed out of my bedroom. “I didn’t mean for this to happen” I tried to explain, but he wasn’t having any of it as he rushed back into the room and punched the shit out of me. I sat on the floor, holding my swelling cheek, wanting to fight him back in the worst kind of way, but knowing that I deserved everything that he did to me.

“Fuck you Tomo” He screamed, tears bleeding down his face. “You’ve been in love with him this entire time and you just never had the balls to tell him” Part of that was true, but the fact of that matter was that Charlie didn’t have any idea of the past Shannon and I shared and I didn’t think that trying to explain it to him was a very good idea. “You used me”

“It didn’t start out like that Charlie…I promise” It was true because at the beginning I really did have feelings for him, it was just that my feelings for Shannon were much larger and no matter how much I tried to control them, all consuming.

“Keep your fucking promises…because I don’t believe anything that comes out of your mouth anymore” Once again he stormed out and at the slam of the door; I knew that things were over once and for all between Charlie and I.

“What the fuck happened to your face?” I was jarred awake by Shannon’s concerned voice hours later as he stood above me as I laid on the couch.

“Nothing…” I lied, getting up and trying to hide myself in the bathroom. I hadn’t even bothered to look in the mirror after Charlie left, just curled up on the couch and cried myself to sleep.

“Nothing my ass. Where’s Charlie? Wait…did he do this to you?” He asked once I came back. I wanted to deny everything, but instead I fell back onto the couch and fell apart. “Tomo…”

“It’s over” I sobbed over the loss of my boyfriend and the love of the man standing before me.

“I’m going to kick his fucking ass” He ground out, heading for the door in anger. I couldn’t help but smile for a moment because of the fact that he felt so protective towards me, but at the same time I also knew that I deserved everything that I got the night before and then some.

“No…don’t” I cried out after him, grabbing onto his arm and forcing him to spin around. “This is all my fault. I hurt him and he got angry and…” I hesitated for a moment as I took a deep breath before proceeding. “It’s over between the two of us” I rushed into his arms, closing my eyes as I fell apart once again.

Another couple of months passed after my break up with Charlie and Shannon and his lover were still happy and so in love. They had even been talking about Shannon moving into his condo, but nothing had been made official yet. I was still head over heels in love with Shannon, but at the same time I had pretty much accepted the fact that he and Jonathon were going to be together forever. I had dated a few men and women off and on, but nothing serious ever came of any of them because of my harboring love for that man. Life was pretty much back to normal as I kept my feelings in check and continued to be his band mate and best friend and I expected that to be the way things were going to be from then on and the one night Shannon showed up at my place a fall down wreck and once again everything I knew as the norm changed in an instant.

“He cheated on me” Words that made my heart soar for about a second as he stood in my doorway a broken down version of himself and then crash because of the pain I saw staring back at me. I didn’t give him a chance to say anything else as I pulled him into my arms and just held him. Afterwards, when it was too hard to stand any longer I walked him over towards my couch, still holding him as he told me what had happened. “I found them in bed together. I went over to surprise him and I got a surprise instead. He said that it was a one time thing…that it had never happened before but I could tell by the look on the other mans face that he was lying”

“Shannon…what did you do after that?” I asked, noticing for the first time his bloody knuckled and swollen hand.

“I didn’t touch either one of them” He hiccupped, sitting back on the couch as he examined them himself. “I punched the wall…the door. Hell…I think I might have even punched my hand through a window” He laughed softly, looking up at me with tearful eyes. “Why would he do this to me?” He asked, such hope in his eyes at my answer that it broke my heart even more because I didn’t have a good enough one to give.

“Because he’s an idiot” Was the only one I could come up with as I examined his hands and arms to make sure there wasn’t any real damage, thankful that it was only minor. Neither of us said a word as I got up off of the couch and went into the bathroom for something to clean the cuts with. “This is going to hurt” I said to him, but I could tell that he wasn’t listening as I tended to his wounds, placing some antibiotic ointment on them once I was done.

“Can I stay here tonight?” He asked, looking at me in a way that I couldn’t say no. With a nod we both made our way into the bedroom and prepared for bed. I held him close as we laid in silence, the sounds of our breathing the only thing we could hear. “I don’t think that I am meant to be loved” He broke the silence. “I’ve been a horrible and selfish person for such a long time and maybe my payback is to never find love…to never be loved”

I knew I should have kept my mouth shut, but before I knew what I was doing I was speaking things that I shouldn’t have been speaking. “You’re amazing and beautiful and wonderful and sure you were a fuck up before but you’ve changed and anyone who can’t see how fucking wonderful you are doesn’t deserve you” I declared quite loudly as I sat up, hovering above him as he continued to lay wide eyed upon the bad. I lost all my sense as I leaned forward and kissed him and when he kissed me back I went in for more. We were all over each other that night, Shannon ending up on top as he fucked me so hard that I felt as if I was going to pass out. I held on strong as I gave as good as I got, both of us exhausted and sweaty as we laid side by side afterwards, neither of us knowing what to say or do. I expected Shannon to leave when I felt the bed shift, bracing myself for the pain from our past to hit me once again, but instead he shifted forward, pulling me into his arms where he held me tightly against his body.

“I’m not any of those things you said about me” He whispered against my ear, holding onto me even tighter.

“To me you are” I replied, nuzzling his ear before placing a simple kiss upon it. “I know that we shouldn’t have done what we just did…but I love you so much Shannon and I know that you’re hurt…but maybe when you’re ready we could try to be more then just friends?” I asked, pulling back as I gazed into wide hazel eyes. I knew I was done for after that as he kissed me softly before pulling back.

“I love you too” He spoke, but I knew he meant it differently from the way that I did. “You are my best friend in the entire world and right now I need him more. Can you understand that?” He asked of me, wiping the tears that bled down my face.

“Yeah…I can understand that” I lied, smiling softly despite the fact that my heart was breaking.

“Thank you Tomo” He kissed me again softly before climbing off to the side of the bed. “Do you want me to leave?”

Of course I wanted him to leave because I wanted to be alone to cry out my heart, but I knew that Shannon was a different man then from before and I should be there for him as I had promised. “No…it’s late…let’s go to sleep” I smiled sadly again patting the side next to me as I laid down.

“Thanks Tomo” He whispered in the dark after settling in and snuggling up next to me. I didn’t say anything, only closed my eyes and hoped and prayed that sleep would come and take me. It didn’t and after many hours of tossing and turning I finally gave up the fight and went for a long walk. I hadn’t realized how long I had been gone until I walked into my apartment and found Shannon sitting in the middle of the couch with a look of full anger on his face. “Where the fuck have you been?” He asked, my guard immediate going up at his tone.

“I went for a walk” I replied, trying to walk passed him, but he grabbed my arm and hindered me.

“You left the room almost three hours ago” He said, the accusation heavy in his voice. “You said you were going to be alright with this” His eyes were full of anger and taking a deep breath I just lost it. “Why can’t you just be alright with this?”

“I fucking declared my love to you Shannon. After everything that you’ve done to me in the past…I still love you as much now as I did then and all you can say to me is that you want to be friends. Forgive me please if I can’t downshift that fast because no matter what I said…it still fucking hurts”

“I have to go” Shannon called out over his shoulder as he ran for the door, not even bothering to turn back at the stream of vulgarities I threw at him. I didn’t see or hear from him for nearly a week. I felt horrible for all the things I had said to him, but at the same time I was still angry, the problem was that I didn’t know who I more angrier at, Shannon for not loving me in return or myself for excepting something so soon after his first real relationship had ended. Tim and Jared came over a few times to see how I was doing, but they never really said much about Shannon and as much as I wanted to know I never asked either. I had pretty much accepted the fact that not only wasn’t I going to be lovers with Shannon, but that I probably had fucked up any chance of being friends with him as well. However, one night I got an unexpected knock upon my door and a surprise that puts a smile upon my face ever time that I think of it.

It was almost midnight when I got the knock upon my door. My first instinct was to ignore it and go to bed, since one of my neighbors next door liked to get drunk and often mistook my place for his. I was almost down the hallway when I heard my name, my heart picking up the pace once I figured out who it was. With careful steps I walked back down the hallway, looking through the peephole in order to confirm who I hoped it to be. I couldn’t see anything because something large was blocking my view, my heart beating a mile a minute. I hesitated for another minute, hearing my name being called once again.

“Tomo…I know your there” My heart was pounding so fast because I didn’t know if this was a good visit or a bad one as I slowly opened the door and instead of finding the man of my dreams standing before me, I found a huge bouquet of flowers shoved in my face. He didn’t say anything as he walked into my apartment before turning to face me. “It’s an apology bouquet…or at least that’s what the girl told me” I could tell that he was nervous as he locked eyes with mine. “I’m really sorry for the way that I acted before. You just declared your love to me and I just threw it back in your face like it was nothing”

“Can we please not rehash this” I asked, placing the flowers on the coffee table. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I knew you were hurting and not ready and…” I didn’t get a chance to finish my sentence before Shannon strode over to me, grabbed onto my arms and pulled me against his body. His mouth was crushed against mine a moment later and despite the fact that I didn’t know what it all meant, I fell into that kiss head long. It was a wonderful kiss that was full of so many promises and yet I was fearful to even consider what they might be. “Shannon…” I whispered once he broke the kiss, both of us fighting for breath.

“I love you Tomo” He spoke aloud, my heart and my eyes nearly bursting at his words. “I’ve been in love with you for such a long time but after everything that I did to you…I was petrified to even think about trying to start something with you” He went on. “It’s just that no matter how hard I tried to push past it…I couldn’t. Jonathon was just a replacement for what I really wanted and I think that he knew that and in turn he cheated on me because he knew that my heart could only ever belong to you” I couldn’t speak, but I sure could laugh as it started out as a low chuckle and erupted into a huge belly laugh. “Tomo?”

“I fucking love you so much” I laughed even harder, wrapping my arms around his neck before planting one on him. “The reason Charlie and I broke up was because one night in bed I called out your name instead of his”

“The night you got the swollen cheek?” Shannon chuckled.

“Yeah…” Both of us fell into a fit of laughter, growing serious afterwards. “So does this mean that we are going to give us a try?” I asked, holding my breath as I waited for his reply.

“I don’t know why you would still want me after everything that I did to you…but yes…if you really want to we could give us a try” He sounded so unsure and it caused my heart to swell as I leaned forward and kissed him to prove that my answer was anything but no.

“Let’s go to bed?” I said, taking his hand as I led the two of us towards my bedroom.

“To sleep?” He asked, still uncertain, still so fucking cute.

“You wish stud” I smiled over my shoulder, squealing in glee as he rushed towards me, swooped me over his shoulder, before dropping me onto the bed. We made love that night as if it were for the first time and in a sense I guess that it was since it was our first time as true lovers. Life wasn’t perfect after that, but it was our life and we were together and that in it self was amazing and as perfect as perfect could be.

The End


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